We have returned (to Rome)

Even as Orthodox, this was my spiritual pit stop

Yes, some have already picked up by my posts here and on some other forums that it sounds as if we're Catholic again.  Yes, we are.

First, in some fluke mistake, apparently our membership change was never sent over and our local parish has continued to keep us on its membership lists.  So we've been Catholic all along!  But seriously, that's not what happened.

We moved to Orthodoxy in 2015 because we had little choice.  Years ago, our local Catholic parish was a hot mess.  A fine but weakened priest (owing to family and health problems), had left the already moderate church in the hands of some proud 'that went out with Vatican II' leaders.  The next priest, a proud but somewhat weak liberal, continued to play to those forces, allowing almost anything - including a youth leader with a lesbian and transgender daughter in full support of LGBTQ agendas - to take over.  Youth became heavy on liberal social doctrine and Harry Potter parties, low on that Catholic doctrine stuff.

That priest and some in the church came to a head when he invited an openly left leaning social justice advocate pushing for, beyond just gay marriage, broadened abortion rights.  That pushed the traditional faction over the edge and the whole thing boiled over.  The resulting bad blood and the gushing of members (that was already happening) left it so that on a given Sunday, you could go bowling at Mass and not worry about hitting anyone with the ball.

Beyond the social liberalism, the implicit universalism that many modern Catholics embrace was becoming explicit.  Soon I heard my boys saying variations on 'well, Buddhism is just another way to God' and 'you get to God your own way, so going youth group isn't too important.'  It sounded much closer to Oprah than Jesus.  And worse, they were getting it as a direct result of what they were being taught at church.   They were losing their faith in the faith because of, not despite, the church.

We went through a series of temp priests, and one really wacked out fellow who told us he was pissed at us for being taken from the parish he liked.  Finally we received a priest who was big on administrative and organizational gifts, not so much pastoral or spiritual shepherding.  He did stem the flow of financial bleeding and got the church on its feet that way, but he left the more heinous heresies and blasphemies alone.

Meanwhile I have written many times on the change in the greater Church's attitudes toward clergy converts.  The year we came into the Church a new bishop arrived who acted as if he would rather see the Church fall into the 7th layer of Hell than see a former Protestant clergy so much as clean toilets in the diocese.  Because of this, and in the midst of the financial meltdown and the anemic recovery, we were nearly out in the street.  Rumor has it that was the bishop's mentality.  By letting former clergy starve, that proved the Church wasn't paying off clergy to convert.

Despite being assured by certain 'lay apostolates' (that's 'ministries' to you Protestants) that full time Protestant clergy were becoming Catholic by the legions and everything usually worked out hunky-dory, we discovered that was not the case.  Very few 'full time clergy' actually became Catholic.  Only a few of those in later years found any welcoming opportunities.  By the late 90s, very few made it further than being an usher.  The attitudes of the Church were already changing.  It may have been different in the days of Mother Angelica and Scott Hahn, but by my time, those days had long passed. Not that this, on its own, was a major problem.  I didn't become Catholic for the job prospects.  But week after week of hearing them plead for more vocations - except Dave Griffey, anything but Dave Griffey - added to the mounting toll.

By 2013, we decided to try to find a different parish, even if it was in the same diocese.  I know Catholics aren't supposed to do that, but once Pope Francis came on board, and made his famous 'get to God where you are' statement to Evangelicals, my sons were losing all faith in any of this Christian stuff. Why, we could have stayed Evangelical and gotten to God and kept our comfortable life and savings account! Gee Dad, what do you know?

We tried different parishes, but long distance church going isn't easy when you're on the brink financially.  Plus, there weren't many parishes that were different than our local gang.  A couple were, but they were deep down into the edges of the city soon to be the former city of Columbus.  We're in a large town about an hour away from downtown C------s.  It has one parish. Other options just weren't available.

At that point, I saw the 'new' Orthodox mission about a half hour or so away (highway driving that is).  The distance, again, was an issue.  We figured it would be tough, but if everything worked out well, it might be an option that helped with issues we had and opened up a new pilgrimage in the Faith, pending any huge theological problems.

Well, the operative phrase was 'worked out well'.  For the next five years we were hit with a never ending string of - everything.  Last year alone I was in an ER, physical rehab or other medical facility at least once a week, and typically with different family members.  The previous years were similar.  One thing after another seemed to block and hinder us from gathering and getting our minds around Orthodoxy, much less getting our hearts around it.

Now, we would never have gone to Orthodoxy just because 'problems' in the Catholic Church, even with the abuse crisis.  I've studied too much history to miss that such things have plagued the Church since the New Testament.  And if you're looking for a perfect church, good luck.

The problem was we had no real church available that wouldn't teach my kids how stupid we were to become Catholic, if not care about Christianity in general.  Heck, we could have found Protestant churches that wouldn't have done that.  Orthodoxy fit because there are things that are positive today in the Orthodox Church that are sorely missing in modern Catholicism.

Of course there are also issues with Orthodoxy, as with any tradition.  One thing that got under my skin was the Orthodox tendency to be rather anti-Western.  Not just anti-American, which many were, but anti-Western.  To the Orthodox, the whole of Western Christianity is one big heresy and the cause of almost all human suffering in the world.  The irony is how often the Orthodox use ideas unique to the development of the West to beat up the West.  After all, the very notions of human rights and equality that emerged from the West weren't exactly plentiful in Eastern Byzantium.

There were other things as well.  There is a definite sniff of 'eastern' mysticism in Orthodoxy, always owing to its preference for anything east of the West in terms of what can influence it.  That's from the old Orthodox 'we'd rather be ruled by the turban than the mitre' attitude.  As a result, some of its doctrines, such as its soteriological and eschatological (fancy talk for salvation and ends times stuff) theologies are a bit foreign to me.

Had things gone normal, and had we not run into an endless assault of emergencies and crises that ground us down and made being at the church as a family almost as rare as a Bigfoot sighting, and at times even as individuals a pipe dream, things may have turned out different.

Last year we had a special series of injuries and emergencies that all but seemed to say 'rethink, rethink.'  Not to put a bad theological spin on it, but we did begin to wonder what was happening.  It's common in Orthodox circles to say 'welcome suffering, it's God's gift.'  But when that suffering is causing the seeds to remain on the rock and be unable to take root, you begin to wonder.  When for all intents and purposes we were just generic Christians who happened to show up occasionally at an Orthodox church, we had to think about things.

Then 2020 happened.  From WWIII to Covid to the rise of BLM and the open assault on the Christian West and America, we feared being forever in limbo, floating around a church we never seemed able to take root in, would not be good for the boys.  I mean, we actually had a national discourse on destroying religious art based on its ethnic origins.  The last time I remember that happening was in Germany in the 1930s.  Once again demonstrating that those who go into revolutions with arrogance and pride, sure they're the ones to save the world, will generally be the ones to build the gas chamber and gulags, we saw this was no normal 'social disturbance.'

Desperate to do something to root ourselves in a community of believers, and realizing that some of it was just the logistics of our family, our finances, our care-giving of my Mom, allowing the boys to remain home while they work their ways through college, and other things that won't change any time soon, the hope that things settle down so we miraculously can become a regular part of a faraway, culturally disconnected church community seemed to be fading.

The problem was the memories of our local parish.  And that's were the new priest comes in.  An African priest from Nigeria, he had served with a young PJPII priest down in C------s.  A firebrand, that priest was no flaming liberal.  Quite the contrary.  Like many his age, he seemed bent on reversing some of the worst trends of Vatican II.  That seemed a good fit, since I do believe if the new local priest had his druthers, he would implement the Latin Mass tomorrow.  He's already made the last Sunday of each month a Latin liturgy.  He has also been quick to squelch many of the more liberal compromises and sell outs.

When Covid broke, he fought like a mad dog to keep from shutting down, doing so only when directly addressed by the equally new bishop.  When the BLM riots erupted, he called out the idea that this was about racism at all, but was instead about the evil in our hearts on all sides.  He has gently and quietly replaced many of the leaders of the church, preferring at least those near the center rather than the far 'pro-sex and death cult' types that were in charge.  And he makes no bones about the exclusive claims of the Faith.

We understand that one parish priest does not a Catholic Church make.  Clearly the bulk of the Western and Latin American churches are still under the idea that the only way to minister to the world is to follow the world like desperate lap dogs begging for the slightest scraps from the secular table.  Despite this being prime time to stand up and call out the catastrophes and death and suffering that have come from generations blindly listening to the latest secular 'experts', groveling and cringing before the latest assaults seems the way to go.

Latin American liberation theologian Pope Francis continues his whole 'the problem with the world is those Catholics over there in the Western Church' attitudes, with hellfire on the evil Western Democracies while at the same time reaching a laurel and hearty handshake to the Christian crushing and Muslim trouncing Communist Chinese.  I get that most bishops would side with Henry VIII if he were alive today.  Obviously this is nothing new.

But as we see a growing number on the left joined by good left wing Catholics, calling for an end to this silly American experiment rubbish and admitting that white Jesus is clearly Nazi, the boys need a community in which to take root.  The Orthodox, by the way, are no better.  Though boasting that they never get involved in politics, they seem happy to do so where calling down brimstone on the West and that great racist slave state of America is concerned.

So we're back.  Yes, there are still Catholic doctrinal questions we never had the opportunity to get our heads around.  Yes, we realize we are still in a left of center parish more concerned about hurting pro-abortion feelings than standing for the Faith.  We get that many in our parish still hold the 'gee, you lost everything to become Catholic - that was dumb' mentality.

But there is, at least for a season, a priest suffering the slings and arrows to oppose the apostasy.  There is a new bishop who at least might not have a 'pox on you' attitude about former clergy (even if now, that identity means little).  And logistically, it's just our best bet.  I can't say I'm not altogether glad to be back.  I am a child of the not always so kindly West after all.

So there we are.  Against all odds, after losing everything to become Catholic, we all but got shoved out the door and had to find another roost.  Despite many things commending itself, however, we just never were able to be planted and grow in that Orthodox garden.  The differences and problems we had with certain doctrines could not be overcome owing to an all but ten mile high wall placed in front of us.  The logistics of getting there alone become an overwhelming obstacle.  And when the dust settled, it seemed as though everything was converging to give us no choice but consider what we imagined would be the unthinkable, and that's return to the Tiber.

We understand things have continued to change for the worst.  Whereas the Catholic blogosphere was once a platform for welcoming us converts, now there are sites where always tolerant liberal Catholics gather to spit and curse us right wing Nazi freaks polluting their pure churches.  In some places, actual Catholics in real parishes have the same attitude.  Pope Francis continues his 'I have loved Marx, but have hated Jefferson' assessment of the world.  Most bishops are cowering before the storm of antichrists descending on the Faith.  But at least it will be a place to gather consistently where we can once again - prayerfully - take root.

And, in the end, I believe there is a Truth claim within the Catholic tradition that is lacking in others, having been now in the three major Christian traditions. Despite warts and all, there is something there there, and it's that 'there' I've been searching for my entire life.

So trying never to say 'not thy will, but mine', we will go into it with open mind and heart.  If it returns to promoting heresy to my boys and telling them the whole Jesus tale is fine for a pizza party, but what really matters is the sacred right to abort babies for better sex lives and a socialist state dedicated to putting an end to all this religious rights rubbish, we will bolt again.  If need be, I'd rather go back to a Protestant church remaining rooted in it's stripped down version of the Faith while navigating the storm, than one that willing to hand my boys over to the storm.  Well, maybe not, but you get the point.

Nonetheless, we're also going in optimistic.  There have been good signs, and I believe there are many more who want to be faithful than the Catholic leaders believe.  There are many more who want to see that old time religion, and even some values long discarded that might do better than the train wreck inducing values we've embraced in our modern hubris.  They get that in many ways the world's promises have been dashed on the gravestones of millions of dead who died from the world's lack of vision and usual sinfulness.  If only the leadership would have faith in the faithful.

So we'll see.  We're back, and God willing this will be our home until the end of time.  Peace.  Or, should I say, Pax.

The skinning of Taylor Marshall

Let me be on record that I have no opinion about Dr. Marshall one way or the other.  I believe he came into the Catholic Church the same year I did.  Having a PhD and being from the Episcopal tradition, he found a sort of fast track into that dying vocation of 'former Protestant Clergy making a living as former Protestant Clergy.'  Things were already changing by then, and I always saw his career like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones grabs his whip from under the closing door just in the nick of time.

I read some of his articles over the years.  As a general rule, he seemed to be a likable fellow, good family, and sensible.  Most other Catholic bloggers and apologists typically gave him kudos and thumbs up, even setting him against other more traditional Catholics as the type of person traditional Catholics should aspire to be like.

But that was then.  One thing about the era of Pope Francis, we've had the emergence of an almost Protestant level of animosity and divisions within the people of the Catholic Church.  Oddly, I don't remember this when I became Catholic.  Despite the fact that most Catholics were decidedly left of center, most disregarded the Church's teachings on a host of social and even theological issues, and the harshest critics of the previous popes that I knew were those left leaning Catholics, it didn't seem to be a big deal with the more conservative Catholics I read.  A few more traditional Catholics raised Cain, but most said those critics were merely wrong, called them out if the rhetoric became too vulgar or hateful, and then moved along.  Which was good for this Evangelical coming into the Catholic Church.  After all, I wouldn't have wanted to see too much zealous defense against a pope's critics.

Since Catholics questioned the wisdom of Pope Francis's famous 'who am I to judge' reaction to homosexuality in the era of AIDS and abortion, it's been all out war.  Oddly, some of those who had no problem (and still have no problem) trashing former popes like Pope John Paul II or Pope Benedict XVI, are among the loudest accusers, calling those who dare question Pope Francis the worst type of Catholics. If there was ever some mythical time where those with questions or concerns about Pope Francis were treated with respect and open ears, I never noticed it. From the start, they were attacked and demeaned and ripped to pieces for their doubts.

That alone is enough to make me wonder what's so different.  Why was the basic reaction to progressive Catholics ripping into Pope John Paul II one of 'You're wrong, but let's just love each other and move along because Catholic' while many of the same Catholics wade into Pope Francis's critics like soldiers landing at Normandy?  It's not the tenor or tone of his critics. I heard plenty of crazy, mean, even hateful attacks by Catholics aimed at the former popes in their day.

Since the beginning with 'who am I to judge', any and all criticisms, from the crazy and extreme to the measured and thoughtful, have been blasted out of the water.  They have been called reactionaries, Francis haters, alt-right Catholics, traitors, heretics, bigots, sexists, homophobes, and even conservatives!  No matter how humble and meek those with questions about Pope Francis have been, they've continually been lumped into the same pile with the worst of Francis's critics and blasted away.

Why the difference?  What makes the era of Pope Francis one where, with few exceptions (and those usually around his handling of the abuse crisis), no deviation or dissension is allowed or tolerated.  Despite what Francis's defenders say, there has not been a case where critics of Francis, no matter how balanced they have been, have not been put into the cross-hairs and figuratively shot to pieces.

And that's just the case with Dr. Marshall.  For all I know, his book is trash.  Many books are.  It boggles the mind how many trees have had to die for some of the books that are out there.   But it's not just his book that's being blasted and impugned.  It's him.  A man who once was considered quite the swell guy is now thrown onto the trash heap of 'deplorables' onto which all who question or criticize Pope Francis seem to be thrown.

Since I doubt Dr. Marshall has suddenly become some horrible, foaming at the mouth, alt-right reactionary pope hating heretic Nazi wannabe, I have to assume something else has changed.  And since I find it hard to believe that every Catholic, every priest, and every bishop who has questioned Pope Francis deserves the same sneering contempt and hatred, I have to look outside of the accused and wonder what is different.  What about the era of Pope Francis has caused this?  Is it Pope Francis himself?  He does have a tendency or two that could explain it.  Or is it something that Pope Francis represents?   I don't know.  I just know something is different.

A confession

Monte Cassino shrine in S. Indiana, where my
journey to Rome properly began

At this point there is something I need to clarify or, more appropriately, confess.  A few readers picked up on this but I've never confirmed the point.  The reasons I didn't are personal, not because of money or fame or fortune.  After all, I get no money for this blog.   But events have transpired that make it necessary for me to come out and state that I have, in fact, entered the Orthodox Church.

It was a long time coming, and of course regular readers could probably see where it was heading.  It's not because of 'meanie Catholics on the Internet' or 'Gee, the Orthodox Church doesn't have any problems!', but a careful evaluation of the gravest threat to the orthodox Christian Faith I've seen in my lifetime, if not of all time, and the crumbling before it that is happening in the Church and among too many of its leaders - as well as the impact it had on my family, especially my sons.

One too many times I heard from my family, 'Why did we bother becoming Catholic? We could have gone Episcopalian and not lost everything.  After all, we hear one way's as good as another.'  Being in a moderate diocese, and a progressive leaning parish, in the age of Pope Francis, there simply wasn't anything I had to offer except, 'Trust me, it might look crazy right now, what with the pope and leaders and teachers and all, but there is still the exclusive Truth of the Church.'  As they began to waver in their faith walks, and general devotion dwindled, they began questioning the exclusive truth claims of the Church.  After all, it appeared to be led by individuals who no longer seemed to believe those very claims. 

It was in this context that we began searching for a different parish some time ago, and in which my wife suggested an Orthodox church mission that had opened up a few years earlier.  I wasn't happy with the idea, but our search for a more traditional place to take root was yielding lemons. We were getting to the point that we were beginning to consider a Protestant congregation.  So we visited the mission (a strange experience to be sure), and met the priest, himself a former Protestant.  His wife had been born Catholic as well, but left the Church years earlier.  They were not forceful, but were kindly, open and respectful to our struggles. About a year later my wife and a couple of my sons joined.

By last year it was clear that this was to be our new home, hence one reason I left Patheos (among many).  To be brutally honest?  I saw their spiritual walk turn a corner the longer we attended there.  No more feminist youth directors, pleas to not offend pro-choice parishioners, Church leaders with transgender children calling for acceptance, hearing nuns tell us those old superstitions went out with Vatican II, removing references to Hell from prayers during processionals lest we offend modern sensitivities, suggestions that tolerance is more important than truth, or implying it doesn't really matter since the hereafter is pretty much a shoo in.  For all the myriad problems the Orthodox have (and boy do they have them), doctrinally caving to the latest fancies is not one. They have other problems galore, but in the Antiochian tradition at least, they are steadfast, traditional and rooted in the claims and morals of the historical Faith against whatever storms head their way.  That alone has made a difference.  I suppose it has to do with being in regions where fealty to the Faith can mean life or death.

Anyway, that's the short version of how it happened.  There is a lot more to it all than that.  I probably should have been more open when I began looking that direction, or again when I left and began attending the Orthodox Church semi-regularly (though not exclusively).  I certainly should have said it when it became official.  Nonetheless, there are personal reasons I was holding out, though at this point other events have taken hold that have forced my hand, so I figured I better get it out in the open.

I do not leave the Church with middle fingers flaring, throwing barbs and darts and anathemas.  After all, I didn't do that to my Protestant brethren when I became Catholic, even if some did it to me.  Heck, I didn't do it to agnostics and secularists when I became Christian.  It's not my style.

Truth be told, some of the most impressive spiritual giants I've had the pleasure to meet are those within the walls of the Church.  I've already told our priest that in some ways I will always be a child of the Catholic soul.  Yet there are problems - serious, grave and significant problems, especially for young men (and the not so young) only starting out and looking for guidance in the historical Faith rather than the latest fad.  Those I will comment on down the road.

When I entered the Catholic Church, it was with all smiles, tears of laughter and a great joy.  As I entered the Orthodox Church, it was with a heavy heart and a feeling of sadness, even amidst the love and openness shown us by our new church home.  I still maintain one heart valve pointing back to Rome. Had we been born and bred Catholic, or surrounded by Catholics here in the home office rooted more in the traditional Faith, or have come into the Church fifteen or twenty years earlier, perhaps we could have weathered the storm and helped our boys work things out.  As it was, we saw things crumbling, their resolve wavering, and had to move.

I have no doubt the Church will survive in the long term.  My one son who is still Catholic rests his faith on that promise.  Not that he doesn't see the huge problems, especially for those new to the Faith, nor does he begrudge our decision.  As he said, we just came on board into all this.  It's tough enough for cradle Catholics trying to remain faithful.  To use a quote I once used on The Journey Home, it's a bit like getting tickets for the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.  He'll pray that the storms move on and he will be able to grow in the Faith, not despite the leadership and guidance of the day, but in some part because.   But he saw the problems, and the impact it was having, and understands the family's decision.

I'll unpack things more down the road. including the nitty-gritty of doctrinal issues and various events that brought about this unexpected journey.  Again, it wasn't a case of saying the Catholic Church has problems, I'll find one that doesn't!  That would be stupid. The Church has always had problems.  We have a New Testament, in part, because there were problems from the beginning.  It was, rather, the nature of the problems and the glaring issues they revealed, set against the issues of our surrounding community, loving though it could be, and what they did - and didn't - offer for a family of new converts.

For now, I'll  be gone for a few to fix the personal issues I mentioned.  Once that is straightened out, I'll be back to pick up on things.  There likely won't be a single treatise on 'why I left', but I will mention or point out issues as I move forward and go in whatever directions life and interests take me.

In the meantime, my apologies for not being forthright sooner.  I will still visit those remaining sites I have come to enjoy and receive edification from, but now it will be from one looking to a reconciliation between both ancient traditions I have come to cherish. 

Hoping this does not cause a rift or hard feelings from those who I have come to admire, respect and appreciate who remain in fellowship with the Church,

Dave

The name of my pain

Is Protestant Clergy Convert.  I received this little chart in an email the other day:

It's from a lay apostolate (that's ministry to you Protestants out there) that focuses on helping folks who convert to Catholicism.   It's main purpose originally was to help Protestant clergy converts.  But over the years that broadened to include an almost equal focus on anyone who becomes Catholic. 

A couple things.  The total number of clergy converts is 994.  That doesn't tell me since when.  But let's assume since around the mid-90s, when the apostolate began.  Let's say 20 years.  That's around 49 a year. 

It also doesn't say exactly how one defines Protestant Clergy converts.  I know it includes bi-vocational pastors, assistant pastors, seminarians and professors as well as those who are ordained but employed with denominational jobs.  It might even include people ordained who never actually went into ministry.  That happens sometimes.  And that's a big difference.  A person who is a successful lawyer who just happens to be ordained and act as an assistant pastor is not in financial harm's way by converting.  Neither is a professor, who can simply slide over and get a job in a Catholic university (or a secular one as the case may be).  It is not the same for a full time vocational pastor with no other financial resources and no career to lean upon.

Finally, it doesn't tell me when what is happening.  Of those hundreds who became priests, how many did so in the last ten years?  How many in the 90s?  The 00s?  I know for a fact that the numbers in the chart aren't too far off from where they were a few years ago when I saw similar numbers of clergy converts.  Have the numbers diminished?  How many have joined in recent years versus, say, 96 - 06? 

I'm in that 3% unemployed BTW.  I have it on good authority that the main reason for my plight is that our bishop is no particular fan of letting ministry converts get a job.  The reasons are a bit murky, but the best I have been able to piece together is that he feels somehow that it might appear that the Church is 'bribing' clergy to convert.  Well, if that is the reason, he can point to me and show that's not true. 

But that is a major problem.  Added to Pope Francis's own statements that seem to suggest that Protestants can get to God their way, the idea of 'Clergy Converts Hurray!' just seems to be fading.  It already seemed to be waning under Pope Benedict XVI, who also spent far less time focused on our 'Separated Brethren' than his predecessor.

And it's not just me.  I've talked to a few others who are recent clergy converts and basically have asked 'where's the party'?  If there was a time when the Church doors swung wide, and dioceses and parishes bent over to accommodate the particular hardships that clergy experience when converting, that time appears to have passed.  In my diocese, in fact, I've been told by no less than two priests and a deacon that a blank resume with nothing on it that doesn't include 'former Protestant Clergy' would be much preferred over any resume that included 'former Protestant Clergy.'

That alone has been a major source of our trials, and has put our family to the test.  Exactly how that test plays out remains to be seen.  But I had to think on that as I looked at this chart, pondered the questions that immediately arose, and set it in light of our own experience.  For what it's worth, the email mentioned others who have gone through our trials and tribulations, and have been "disturbed and discouraged by what they experienced and how they were treated after their conversions."  Again, I just wonder exactly when they came  in, and if there might be a chronological trend. 

After ten years I also must be going Part II

So as Mark Shea wraps up the main portal that opened up for me on my way into the Church, I reflect on where we are and how we've gotten here.  It should be no surprise at this point that we've been sniffing about the door posts of the Orthodox Church.

This isn't new by the way.  Back in the day, c. 2003 or 04, when we first began seriously to consider leaving Protestant Christianity, Orthodoxy emerged as a surprising option.  My eyes were set firmly on Catholicism or Anglicanism.  A Presbyterian friend had suggested going Anglican, knowing my inclinations and my problems with my Baptist life.  And seeing the almost blank check open doors that the Church has given to Anglicans, I sort of regret not going that way.

But it was when the Anglicans were imploding.  Electing gay bishops and declaring, in the USA at least, the Gospels to be the antisemitic documents that critics of The Passion of the Christ said they were, was enough to push me away.  Having lost faith in the Protestant approach on many levels, and having seen the ugly behind the scenes of Protestant Christianity, I was prepared to look at other, radical approaches to the Faith.

Though Catholicism had been where I was leaning, my wife, born and bred Southern Baptist, was having a little trouble warming up to that papist tradition.  I mean, she came from a family that, a generation earlier, would have scoffed at the idea that non-Southern Baptist baptists could possibly be saved.  Suggesting Catholicism was like suggesting to Dietrich that we need this Jewish ritual to open the Ark.

But suddenly, in came Orthodoxy.  We got there mainly by accident.  One day, coming home through Columbus, we saw the Greek Orthodox Cathedral.  A beautiful church by any accounts.  We decided to stop in.  My second son, and my wife, were blown away.  They loved it. We were all impressed.  And at the Cathedral book store, we picked up a couple books and items for looking into this side of the Christian aisle.

The Orthodox way, which bears many similarities to Catholicism when set in juxtaposition to Protestantism, allowed my wife to look into some of those historic distinctives without that papist feeling.  Through that, my wife was able to warm up to the Catholic way.  And because that Cathedral was about the closest Orthodox church we could find (over an hour away with no traffic and good travel conditions), and since we had absolutely no contacts with Orthodoxy or with anything to do with Orthodoxy, we began our long journey into the Catholic Church.

It was around that time that I stumbled across Mark Shea.  I had seen Scott Hahn on EWTN on a trip down to Florida around then.  We didn't get EWTN in our area, so I was on the net looking for that fellow who was a convert and made a case for Catholicism from a biblical point of view.  When I finally found his website, everything he had was there - for sale.  I wasn't about to pay to find information about the Catholic Church.  So I kept looking. I remember someone said he could be funny, so I was looking for something about Catholic Church, a convert, and humor.  Enter Mark Shea.

It was actually one of his articles I found.  I can't remember which one.  Bur it linked to the part of his website that he called Sheavings, a collection of articles he had published at that point.  I started reading through them.  I showed my wife.  She liked them, because she noticed his humor and mine were similar.  I ate them up.  He was to the point, with humor, and a wink and a nod.  He was willing to point out the flaws in Protestant Christianity, while also giving credit where it is due.  He was clearly conservative, but not afraid to hold conservatism's feet to the fire. He was also willing to concede where ideas associated with liberalism were compatible with Christianity.  In fact, he was willing to say both sides have their good points, but the Faith should always be the deciding factor.  Not bad given some of the partisanship on both sides I had seen in my ministry days. He mostly was about explaining Catholicism to critics, and defending the Church against its detractors.

Over the next year, in addition to a growing stack of books and articles, Mark became required reading for me.  At one point, I emailed him a question about Mary.  In return, he sent several pages of a draft that would become his books on Mary for help.  That helped, especially my wife.  While this was happening, we had entered the RCIA program and were plowing smartly along on our way into joining the Church.

Already we had taken a financial hit with my leaving my ministry.  We tried to find some ministry for me to fit into while this was happening, but there were issues, particularly with integrity.  How could I sneak about going Catholic while ministering in a Protestant manner?  Soon after we began RCIA, my wife was let go of her teaching position at a Protestant school, sending us into a financial tailspin.  We lost a sizable portion of our savings and also took a substantial hit in credit card debt trying to avoid losing our home.  The previously mentioned auto accident didn't help.  It was the car that, naturally, we had paid off.  So we were, in addition to everything else, forced to purchase a new car.

In fact, at Christmastime 2015, there was little joy or happiness in our life, and much worry and concern.  The only thing that kept us was the assurance that we would be taken care of.  By then I had contacted an apostolate which focused on Protestant Clergy converts.  While not all converts end up in paid positions, I was told, many do.  And almost all end up doing just fine.  There is, after all, much support and help on the part of the Church.  This fit with what our priest - who I knew from my ministry days - told us: That no matter what, there would be 'divers and sundry ways' to help us out.

So as dismal as things seemed, with no clear direction except 'into the Church' ahead of us, we were optimistic.  Even more than cautiously optimistic.  After all, I had always cast a glance at Catholicism and the historic Church, I was entering due to what I perceived as seeking for the Truth, and we truly felt God was leading us forward.  We were assured we would be taken care of somehow, and God's direction and all.  In the end, ask dark as things seemed, it would all be fine. Or so we believed.

After ten years I also must be going, Part I

So the news broke: Mark Shea will be closing down his blog at Patheos after almost 13 years of blogging.  That's pretty big news.  Mark became one of the anchors of the Catholic blogosphere in the 00s - St. Blogs as it was sometimes called.  In the early days, Mark was a conservative Catholic willing to call conservatives out (callousness toward the environment, torture, the A-bombs), while keeping in perspective the greater dangers and heresies and threats of what is ironically known as liberalism: debauchery, blasphemies, hubris, abortion, AIDs and the sex revolution, oppression, hypocrisy of a tolerant society, the dangers of Hate Speech and Hate Crime legislation, the flaws of investing power in governments for problem solving, etc.).

I didn't always agree with him.  And at times things could get snarky.  On his blog - like most blogs - it was a place where people came to debate in ways they never would face to face.  Insults were never allowed, however, and Mark would ban people for making false accusations or personal attacks.  

But all of that was, and has not been for a long time.  Somewhere between the torture debates, the Harry Potter mania and attempts to downplay the non-Catholic elements of Rowling, and his movement over to Patheos and his associating with Catholics like Simcha Fisher, Mark changed.  Today he is clearly a pro-life liberal Catholic. There is virtually nothing he stands for or attacks that is associated in the least with conservatism. 

And this puts him right in line with Pope Francis, who has made it clear it's time to get over conservative concerns and sensitivities, call fundamentalism the evil that it is, and get the Church to catch up with the latest and hippest times.  That, of course, is the essence of liberal Christianity.  It's no different than anything any one of a dozen Protestant denominations have said over the ages - with the possible exception of so easily linking fundamentalism and terrorism.  Though today, who knows?  After all, once you accept 'keep up with the times', what you say today will most likely change, or magnify by tomorrow. 

So Mark, who prides himself as being totally obedient to Church teaching, has found his home.  He's also found success.  The Catholic Church in general, and certainly the Church in the USA, has always been decidedly to the Left of center.  Far more Catholics will support gay marriage or birth control than will support the A-Bombing of Hiroshima or stand against gun control.  So as Mark became a leading advocate for a pro-life liberal voice in the Church, it wasn't hard to believe that his profile would increase.  It's easier to increase your fan base when you're on the side of the majority.  

And it has.  He is now hosting radio shows, working for major Catholic publications, being interviewed by the secular media.  He is, in the world of apologetics, a star. Of course he still insists he's a humble church mouse with barely two coins to rub together.  But as one who doesn't have two coins to rub together, let me say he does pretty well, better than many I know who have two working parents with benefits; if his stories about his escapades and socializing are to be believed. 

But then, what can you say about a person who uses the one tactic he has so loudly condemned for so many years?  Mark has repeatedly blasted those who start by saying 'I'm a devout Catholic, but here's where the Church sucks...'  And rightly so.  It's a slick, dishonest tactic.  It makes you invulnerable.  After all, the individual has declared himself devout, so he clearly isn't anti-Catholic.  Likewise, despite Mark's willingness to respectfully disagree with liberals even over abortion and gay sex (reserving his wrath only for Planned Parenthood and the most egregious cases of oppression and censorship for gay marriage - and even then not much in recent months), and despite his clear and obvious disdain for virtually everything to do with any American conservative ideals or perspectives, Mark says he's a conservative. 

That gives him carte blanche to launch day after day at Conservatives, while still saying 'hey, I'm Conservative.'  And so he's more or less invulnerable just like those Church bashing devout Catholics.  And his more progressive and liberal and non-conformist readers love every minute of it.  

In recent years, the blog has become almost unbearable.  In some cases, it became everything  that Mark, c. 2004, said was wrong with blogs.  And Mark became more than willing to ban anyone - not because of false accusations or personal attacks - but most often for defending conservative viewpoints or disagreeing with Mark.  

As a result, I began to take the 'Mr. Manners' approach.  Not that I don't try to be respectful and polite.  It's how I was raised.  But I really did it at Mark's site.  Careful not to give Mark an excuse to ban me, I would wade in and try to remind Mark that the charade was playing false, and the tactics an affront to Church teaching, as well as basic Christian behavior.  In fact, the behavior you found on CAEI was akin to the behavior you would only see in the most hardcore stereotypical fundamentalist church circles that the readers of CAEI would so easily condemn.  So doing what I had to in order to get my say, I suffered the worst treatment from people I have save for atheist blogs and some hardcore fundamentalists after I became Catholic.  Though it's worth noting that the fundamentalists were typically not personal, they simply called out the Church as the harlot of Babylon that they believed it to be.

Now CAEI was the first blog I ever visited.  It was the first blog I ever posted on (a post mocking the idea that FOX News was a bastion of Christian conservatism), and of course, Mark used it to help raise money for us when we found out about our fourth son.  So for that, I am forever grateful.  But the morphing and changes that occurred, as well as those of the Church itself, have been symbolic of the events that have happened to lead us to where we are today.

Ten years ago we were on the brink of going through our first Christmas in the Catholic world.  Even then, things had gone sour.  My wife had been let go of her teaching job at a Christian school when it was discovered where we were going.  She was also in a serious auto accident only a week or two before Christmas (unfortunately, it being her fault).  That brought about five years of lawsuits and financial strains on our part.

Even then, we thought 'Gee, that's not pleasant.  What does that portend?'  We shrugged it off as mere coincidence at worst, or perhaps Satan was fighting us.  I would be hired by a major Catholic apostolate in February, perhaps we had found our path and Satan was trying to block us?  We were sure, in those hazy days of Christmas, 2005, that it was all going to work out.  And on CAEI, my conversion was quite the story.  Mark even sent a sections of his draft of his Mary books to us for help.  Despite problems and obstacles and crushing financial disasters, we were optimistic.  Just like CAEI, we were going to be here for the long haul.

That was ten years ago.  Today is now.  And as Mark has made a major announcement, so shall I in the not-too-distant.  More on that later.  But for now, Mark has made his announcement.  I will mourn what CAEI  became, not what it was.  And I will not be following him to his new blogs.  

Expectations

Sometimes built up expectations can be a bear to overcome.  No matter how well things turn out, there are times when they still can't meet expectations.  Take President Obama.  I personally think he is one of the worst, most inept presidents in our history.  A born instigator, he has sewn division where there might have been unity, has accomplished little, and what he has done has caused as many problems as solutions.  He's mostly a joke overseas, and has made the US appear the same.

Still, in fairness, if he was able to walk on water and feed the multitudes with fish and loaves, he would scarcely be able to live up to the god-worship that he enjoyed in the 08 campaign.  With the possible exception of George Washington in the pre-PC/MCE days, and possibly Martin Luther King, Jr., who enjoys almost holy adoration status in the US, I can't think of a single person ever given the level of veneration, adoration and god worship as was Obama.  Clearly it shows that when a people abandon worship of God, they'll end up worshiping something.  And that something was Obama.

So no matter what he did, he never would have lived up to the hype.  Nobody could.  Making, of course, his miserable track record all the more noticeable.

I think of that when I think of our expectations of becoming Catholic.  What we imagined, and what it became.  I imagined a Church the way many old time converts described it, where being a Protestant clergy in the days of Pope John Paul II was a big thing.  Where parishes and dioceses went out of their way to accommodate and help  those making the difficult journey into the Church; made more difficult by the material travails that occur when an actual vocational minister becomes Catholic.

So imagine our surprise when we realized that, on the whole, the 'separated brethren' phenomenon had gone the way of the leisure suit.  And maybe it's what we expected (indeed, what we were told by some quarters) that made what we experienced all the more difficult.

And that's the way things can be.  Perhaps things aren't as bad, or are better, than we think.  It's that sometimes we can build up our expectations to a point where nothing short of seeing God walking on water can live up to the hype.

One of the reasons I'm glad we don't have much money.  I've often told my boys about a game I played when I was a kid called Dark Tower.  A fusion of electronics and a board game, it was quite the rage in the day.  I took it with me wherever I went because no matter where I was, everyone at every party wanted to play.  It was pretty awesome.  But in a bitter twist of fate, all of it was lost but the old, broken tower.  When I still have almost every game and item from my childhood that was carefully preserved by my parents, it was the one thing that was busted up and lost.  And today, unlike most of my other games, you can't find the darn things for less than 400 to 500 dollars.  If that.  Due to a lawsuit, it is no longer manufactured, nor will it be.

But my boys often tell me that it's OK.  The hype with which I've built the game up is such that, if we had the money and could get the game, it would almost be sure to disappoint.  And maybe that's what we should have thought about with becoming Catholic.  Given the tales and stories we heard, and the assumptions we had, maybe becoming Catholic was a doomed venture from the get-go.  After all, we imagined we would be brought in, embraced, and helped due to our particular difficulties and sacrifices stemming from our vocations.  Even had the Church tried to live up to even a portion of our expectations, we might have still been disappointed.  How much more that there has been little to no effort to do any such thing.

Just saying..

Where have I been?

Busy, that's where.  Which accounts for the sparsity of my posts.  So much continues to happen: birthdays, soccer season, new jobs, old jobs, school at home and just the general life issues.  Plus, I must admit, we've been in a bit of a funk looking for our lives and where we fit in our post-Protestant days.  I know, we've been Catholic for almost 10 years.  You'd think we'd be settled in.  But we aren't.  Whatever glorious stories of Protestant Clergy Converts coming into the Church and finding a whole blessed ministry and new life in their new tradition you might have heard, it's not been our lives.

I think at this point it might be our bishop, who for some reason has made it clear 'I don't serve their kind.'  I have met with several over the years, including individuals high up in the diocese, only to hit a dead end when it was all over.  The last individual had me ready to sign up.  I would be in charge of multiple parish Religious Education departments.  It would be tough, and I would be traveling from place to place.   Wow!  Like pastoring a church?  I was so excited.  He loved what I had to bring through my experience, even though it's been years.  He was meeting with the bishop that very week, and was going to bring my name up.  After all, he said, they were having trouble finding people to fill such spots for all the parishes. It would be perfect.

And then...silence.  For weeks I waited.  I reached out, and heard nothing.  Just as I have so many times in the past.  And finally he responded: sorry, having' heard anything.  If I do, I'll let you know.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Bless.'  And that was it,  Once again, we hit a wall and I fear it is our bishop, who isn't going anywhere soon.  But not just him.  As I wrote earlier, another diocese was hiring a person who would be in charge of Evangelical Ecumenical relations.  They needed someone with a religious degree (MDiv preferred), who knows the Bible and has experience with Church history.  I was denied the next day.   They hired a fellow with a degree in communications and web development.  He was a life long Catholic.  He knew some Protestant friends in college.

So that has left us swinging in the breeze.  Tomorrow, my wife and I meet with a priest to lay it out: we lost our lives when we became Catholic.  The lives my wife and I, and our boys, had together as Protestants.  We all took part in the ministry.  My boys and my wife and I were all together.  We all shared in the calling.  And then we became Catholic.  And while we're thankful we have jobs, and even some extra money, they are jobs.  Pushing paper.  Waiting for the departments to move or shut down and scramble for the next thing.

We're trying to homeschool, but it is nigh on impossible when both parents have full-time jobs away from home.  Our youngest is barely holding on.  And when all is said and done, our big ministry contribution is being able to make it to church on Sundays.  So where to go now?  That is going to be the question.  Not an ultimatum.  But definitely it will set the stage for where we might go.  At this point, we so desire to bring our family back together as it used to be, we've flirted with going into business!  Which isn't a solution, since neither my wife nor I have the skills needed for that.  But that's the point we've come to.  So we'll see.

There is much to talk about that has happened, as imprisoned state workers and murdered college students give us a portent of things to come for Christians in the coming years under the post-Christian secular leftist tyranny.  But for now, tomorrow is on our minds.  Please pray for us.

When I say my ministry days are behind me

I mean it.  So I was informed of a position not too long ago in another diocese.  Since our own diocese has all but shut the door on me for good, I thought perhaps - just perhaps - moving out would be the open door I've been praying for.  Even though I grumble about tossing my library in the can and turning away and never returning, there's always that tug, that yearning for those crazy, hazy days of Christian ministry.  They were rough, as all ministry is.  But they were rewarding beyond measure.  And I miss that.

So hoping that the shutout was more a regional thing, I expanded my radius and sent my resume and cover letter.  It was great.  One of the best I've ever written.  I had proof readers working overtime.  The reason?  It was a position made for me: someone with knowledge of Protestantism, especially Evangelicals, a Masters of Divinity minimum, experience in Christian ministry, theological background, knowledge of Church History, and a commitment to the Catholic Faith.  Oh, and website experience would be a plus.

I submitted my resume and prayed.  The next day I checked our emails and there it was!  A rejection email.  The candidates had already been narrowed down and the final interviews in place.  The door had been shut weeks earlier (though it had only been posted weeks earlier, so not sure what that meant).

Well, I tried to object, but was politely, yet firmly, told to cease pestering them, the decision was made.  So I decided to look up and see just who it was that got this position.  And who was it?  Well, he did have a PhD from a Catholic university in Ecumenical relations.  And he had struggled with his faith in college.  But he was and always had been Catholic.  His knowledge of Protestantism?  What he had studied, and the Protestant friends he had.  But what he really was?  A Catholic with experience working with Facebook.

And that has been a trend I've noticed.  Not in all cases.  I've been shut out of chaplaincy positions just as quickly.  I've actually received rejection emails the same day I applied, even when I was overwhelmingly qualified.  No, in many 'ministry' positions I've noticed the real emphasis is on Tech.  Website design, digital, electronic communications.  Actual knowledge of theology, biblical studies, Church history, is increasingly irrelevant.  Certainly when the request is for someone who knows something about Protestantism, and a Catholic with protestant friends is picked over a former Protestant minister with over a decade and a half of Protestant ministry experience, I'd dare say it's time to rethink any real future as a minister within the Church.
As I've said before, this is not Scott Hahn's conversion story.  Increasingly, I'm coming to realize that from the Church's POV, the fact that I was a minister, had training or education, was a Protestant, came damn close to bankruptcy and ruin in order to become Catholic is about as irrelevant as the market trends for butter churns.  And that hurts, though there really isn't anyone to tell it to that can - or worse, will - make a difference anyway.  Just thought I'd throw that out.  Best of luck to the fellow who got the position.  Maybe he'll learn to appreciate those separated brethren in new ways, and through it, some might come to learn about the Church.

The Catholic Church and Me

So this Easter will mark the seventh anniversary of our entrance into the Catholic Church.  It was at the Easter Vigil, 2006.  That's the night before Easter for those who don't know.  It was pretty special.  I was working for a lay apostolate that focuses, at least ostensibly, on helping Protestant ministers enter the Catholic Church.  I just started a couple months before.  We had just come off a string of months consisting of one disaster after another.  We lost a hunk of our savings (a portent of things to come), mostly due to my wife's dismissal from a Christian school because of our decision to become Catholic.

A series of mishaps followed, including a bad car accident which, unfortunately, my wife caused.  Our only working car lost, her job lost, me just struggling to replace my own ministry vocation had caused us to be at the finical breaking point.  Or so it seemed.

Then, suddenly, I was offered a job with that apostolate, and my wife got a full time job with an educational publisher, McGraw-Hill.  The money was pretty good. Combined it was more than we ever made before - evangelical ministers not known for their hefty paychecks.  We sat there that Easter vigil night, I was feeling so good.  Already I was in a position to keep my ministry wheels turning, we were financially well off enough to pay our bills and actually replenish lost savings.  The services were beautiful.  Doors were opening.  The future seemed on the right path.  We were taking some gruff from family, friends and former colleagues, especially about becoming Catholic while the sex abuse scandal was still fresh in the news..  Our kids were a bit confused about the sudden upheaval in our lives. But for us, it was clearly God's will and I couldn't be happier.

Nevertheless, there was one tiny issue.  The fellow who started the apostolate I worked for, the one who is seen by many as the face of protestant minister converts, was strangely apathetic about me becoming Catholic.  He wasn't there that night, though one of the employees, the liaison to the actual ministers who contact the ministry, did attend.  The founder of the ministry was absent. And more than that, he made no real effort to celebrate.  In fact, the following week, I had to remind him I was now Catholic. He said congratulations, but that was all.  Not even a card.  You'd think a ministry centered around what I had just done, with one of its own going through the very purpose of its existence, would have been, you know, happy. Maybe even celebratory.  But nothing.  A couple employees said well done, but that was all. I should have known.  A mere bump in an overall fabulous road that would soon come to define that road.

Two years later I was let go.  Officially - "officially" - it was because of finances, but as likely as not, it's because I couldn't or wouldn't move to a different part of the state where the offices were located.  But it was more.  I was an evangelical.  He, the president and founder, brought a disdain for my tradition with him into the Church.  That was clear.  We never hit it off.  He was what I discovered was more common than not: a former minister who made much out of the fact that when it comes to partying, few Christian traditions match Catholicism.  Dirty jokes and bathroom humor, cussing, smoking, drinking and partying - that's the stuff that Catholicism is made of.  And though I enjoy a beer or glass of wine with the best of them, that sort of thing has never been my cup of tea.  Once when we were having lunch with his wife, and as they were throwing about the old poop-humor, she grimaced.  She then noted I wasn't partaking in the Eddie Murphy screes. Her husband said it was because of my Baptist ways.  I said no, it's how I was raised before I was a Christian.  I fear that things like that assured me of no real future.

It may have been because of that I was often short shifted.  He obligatorily let me appear on his radio show, and once on his TV show dedicated to telling about journeys into the Catholic Church.  But he never rehearsed.  Usually guests prep with him ahead of time to know what to expect.  I was given no such benefit.  Each time, I was just thrown in and expected to do my best with no idea what to expect from him.  In charge of publishing, it was my job to tell him he had no clue about how to publish books, and my brief time with McGraw-Hill taught me a few things.  That went nowhere, and when our first book - In the Fullness of Christ - was published, he gave me no credit, no congrats, no thanks, no nothing.  I knew then my days were numbered.

Once I was let go in the spring of 2008, things went downhill.  After years of trying to get my name out in the Church through various avenues, I was getting nowhere.  Despite doing some well received projects for local parishes, and receiving much appreciation for lessons and teaching I did for their RCIAs and parishes, I was getting nowhere.

Then my Dad's health failed.  My sister's family unraveled.  My wife's sister got a divorce.  Then my Dad died, my Mom moved in with us in our starter home we've never been able to leave, and in December of 2011, as if the rest wasn't bad enough, my Wife lost her job in a tribute to modern Darwinian Capitalism.  She and hundreds of her coworkers.  Merry Christmas.

Since then we've lost all retirement, almost all savings.  Our little starter home is crumbling from lack of funds to keep it in repair.  I've now been all but told flat out that there is no place for me in Catholic ministry.  Not as a priest, deacon, teacher, nothing.  The fact that I was a vocational ministers is received in one of two ways.  One, it's irrelevant. Or two, the fact that I was a former ministers is itself the problem, and nothing I ever do will erase that.

Wow.  Quite a difference in seven years.  My current job is nothing special, I'm underpaid.  My schedule is a wrecking ball in our family's life.  My wife is working part time in a woefully underpaying and under employing job.  Our oldest is soon to graduate, this being the last years of his time with us. Our two youngest have almost no memory of stable, secure times.

So what's it all mean?  What happened?  I have no clue.  How it went from 'God's will as He opens doors and leads us along our glorious pilgrimage' to 'hell no there's nothing for you, starve if you must (but make sure you give to the Bishop's annual appeal' is something I can't answer.  All I know is that it's made a life of happiness and joy in the Catholic Church a tough one.

So why stay?  Well, there's the rub.  Because I believe it's true.  Because I believe the historic Church, that Church that existed pre-Protestant, is the True Church, and the fullest expression of the Faith in  Jesus Christ.  At this point, if there is no historic faith, there's no faith in Christ.  So to paraphrase Peter, where else would I go?

That's not to say I'm all tingly about what's happened.  I'm not.  I just remember that the Church may be the Body of Christ, but it's also full of people.  And it's that last part that's given the Church some of its more dubious reputations over the years.  Sure, many Catholics I've met are fine people, and probably have little to no clue what's happened, why it's happened, or the extent of what we've gone through.  But in the Catholic Church, at the end of the day, they don't matter.  Which has been the issue for more than a few centuries.

So as we crawl and stumble toward Easter, seven years from that fateful night, all I can say is that we're hanging on by a gossamer thread.  But we're hanging.  How things will unfold, or what will happen, I can only guess.  Perhaps hope.  Maybe pray.  But right now, we are bending all we have to push past the rubble strewn ruins of our life, and keep our focus on the core of our faith, one that once so dominated every corner of our lives, now at times a far off glimmer in a long, dark passage.  Perhaps it will shine brightly soon.  We can only pray.  But that's the way it is this Holy Week, 2014.  Till next time, perhaps on a new or fixed computer, Happy Easter.

What happened

We were putting down our Christmas decorations this weekend.  In Catholic life, Christmas comes to an end rather late.  We tried to make the most of it, though endless problems, a death in the family, sickness and a polar vortex that challenged our ramshackle house took away many of the traditions we've enjoyed in years past.  That's tough, since this was our 18 year old's Senior year and we wanted it to be a special year.  Hopefully we had enough family time to offset the issues.

Which leads me to where I am.  As we were putting things away, I noticed a special ornament.  It was a commemorative ornament my wife and I received years ago.  I was just starting out in ministry.  Though I was a second year seminary student, I already had made a mark with my colleagues.  I was older than many, and my testimony (recent convert) got me speaking engagements beyond what my lack of experience would suggest.  By 1994, I was serving at one of flagship churches in Kentucky.  I had already spoken at large gatherings, youth rallies and other special occasions.

I was doing well in school. Professors and students recommended that I should continue on and get a PhD.  Perhaps be a professor myself.  Within years, I had visited governor's mansions, dined with the president of one of the country's leading seminaries, had lunch with a Secretary of State.  I had met religious leaders.  I had become a senior pastor.  I had gone back to school to pursue the doctoral degree that so many people recommended.

And that year, at the start of it all, my wife and I sat in the balcony, with the senior pastor, local business leaders, media personnel, professors and other leaders of the denomination.  We were watching the annual Christmas performance, a local event broadcast and promoted throughout the season.  And during intermission, the pastor presented select guests with a commemorative ornament.   My wife and I received one.  There was applause from the audience.  All seemed to be a horizon bright with a wonderful future.

Now, as I type this, I prepare to go to my job.  A mid-day schedule.  For four days a week, and one day in the weekend, I'm removed from my family.  I don't make enough to pay bills, and my wife can't find work.  Without what she gets from the government, we'd be bankrupt.  We've lost all savings, most retirement, and virtually everything we've had.

I've been told that there is nothing for me in our diocese.  That's it.  There isn't anything.  The reasons are varied, and I can't quite tell why.  I see others coming into the Church and doing well, though most to be honest had other vocations than just Protestant Clergy.  Most were professors.  Or they had some other vocation in life they could lean on.

Despite the stories told by certain lay apostolates, there really aren't many full time vocational clergy who become Catholic.  And I can't help but guess I'm why.  It's one thing to say sell everything you have for that pearl of great value.  It's another to do it.

The family has certainly suffered, especially the boys.  Those outside who know of our plight have increasingly begun to tell us to come home to the Protestant world.  Get a job. Serve the Church.  Be loved.  Be accepted.  Family and former colleagues who know what we've been through have been ratcheting up the invites.  But here's the problem.  I don't believe it.  Protestantism that is.  I believe in the historic faith as live out in the Catholic tradition.  As Peter said, where do I go?  When I believe something is true, what are my options?

I'm not sure if the Church would care, though I know some individual Catholics would.  Nonetheless, I can't leave what I believe to be true, even though I feel I would be cared for better if I did so.  I must trudge along. Still, I can't help wonder at times, just like now, what happened.  A life that seemed so full of promise, so full of encouragement, now this.  A diamond in the rough a former colleague called me.  Someone who had something to give.  That seems so long ago.  Now, I must get ready.  I'm a paper pusher underpaid and unable to support my family.  I've been told there is no future in the Church, at least not in these parts.  As it stands now, I must go on wondering.

Merry Christmas from a Protestant minister convert to Catholicism

And to all a farewell.  At least for a time.  Still using a borrowed computer.  It seems as though mine does need a new hard drive.  As with most things nowadays, it had the life expectancy of a fruit fly.  There were no real power crashes or catastrophic events that caused the hard drive to quit.  Just the general 'soon to fall apart' quality of modern production.  As a result, I've been cut off from regular posting, and my readership shows.  Just as I was breaking records, getting folks to come back regularly, once again technology has hamstrung my blog.  Just as it did back in the day when I first started.

At this point, life is beckoning.  I'll get the computer back up when I can.  I'll hopefully be able to restart the blog on a regular basis.  But for now, just living will do.  We're looking for some miracle that will allow my wife to get a job while also being able to continue homeschool.  We've been told that my dreams of continuing my ministry are pretty much done.  If there was a time when the Church thrust open its arms to accommodate Protestant clergy, that time has past.  Some, from some denominations may still do well.  But the general, at least in these parts, has passed.

So it's time to roll up the sleeves and get going with life.  My library will be packed up and room made for living.  It's somewhat sad, and my wife is not altogether sold on giving up.  Several of our non-Catholic family and friends are making with the 'told you so' line.  After all, it couldn't have been God's will for us to be Catholic, and this just proves it.  Right not, we just want to avoid economic collapse, for at that point, I fear the witness to those who know our story will be all but unsalvageable.  At least if we get our life going and are at least able to stay afloat, we can point to something.  But as it is, following years of having almost every picnic rained on, and having the doors of ministry opportunity firmly but lovingly closed, proclaiming to those around us that it was God's glorious will for us to lose everything and be shut out of ministering in the Church is a hard sell.  A life well lived might go down better and prove that there really was more to it all than people had seen, and that the Catholic Faith and ill fortune do not need to be synonymous.

So that's the big focus over the next months.  Once we have the time and ability to get the computer up, I'll hopefully be back on a regular basis.  And once again, have to rebuild my readership. Until then, when I can.  In the meantime, here are a few links to Christmas posts of old, when visions of ministry still danced in my head, and Christmas was that time for future hope.  Have a very merry Christmas, those who are still visiting.

A 2012 reflection on the Joy of Christmas
Some musings on A Charlie Brown Christmas, the best Christmas special ever.
My own thoughts on the War on Christmas, from the blog's first Christmas season, 2010
Last year's Christmas, before the boys homeschooled and hope for ministry futures was in the air
And a quippy little post aimed at the growing impatience that our corporate structure has for that pesky religious holiday it annually exploits.

The family at the Nutcracker, 2013. 

My life as a Catholic Clergy Convert

All in good seasonal humor of course.  But it needs to be told, especially to Protestant clergy considering Catholicism.  The pearl is worth it, but in this day and this age now, could cost you everything.

This is not Scott Hahn's conversion story

No, it isn't.  And there might be reasons.  Scott Hahn is the Elvis of Protestant clergy converts to Catholicism.  At least in the modern era.  There are others, and clergy converting to Catholicism is not some new thing.  It's ebbed and flowed over the generations.  But for this particular generation, Scott Hahn reigns supreme as the example.  He is brilliant, he is passionate, he's an academic genius, he overcomes all the Protestant objections to Catholicism with biblical insight.  He has that touch of Protestant zeal for evangelism. And he lives in a mansion in Steubenville, OH, professor par excellent at the Franciscan University.  World wide lecturer, super star celebrity within the vocation.  He's everything you could hope to be if you were a Protestant minister staring into the hallowed halls of the Catholic faith.

Not a few Protestant converts followed in his footsteps.  Not all ended up in sprawling Tudors on the riverfront with the ears of bishops and cardinals within reach.  But they taught in Catholic schools and universities, they were hired by Catholic publishers and ministries, they were placed in positions of service and pastoral care within the diocesan or parish level, or they were able to start their own apostolates (that's ministry to our Protestant brethren).

And yet, today, that seems to be less and less the case.  I just was put in touch with a fellow who, like me, entered the Catholic church recently.  His plight?  Unemployment, financial ruin, struggling to get by.  He's the first convert I've met in some time who has come into the Church within the last decade.  I had worked with a Catholic apostolate that supposedly specialized in helping Protestant Clergy converts.  Even then, I could get a whiff of change in the air, and I noticed it seemed as though some 'fluffy math' was being employed to keep the image of a herd of converts assailing the doors of the Vatican fresh in everyone's mind.  Fact is, I noticed that the numbers weren't going up.  If anything, they appeared to be going down.  And that was before the economy tanked in 2008.

So what's happening?  Are fewer converts coming into the Church at this time?  I don't know.  I don't have the resources, money, or time to investigate.  I do know that it's harder finding cases and testimonies of those who have recently converted than, say, eight or nine years ago when I first came to the Internet to see about this Catholic stuff.  Oh I'm sure out of hundreds of millions, there are some who come in even now, somewhere in the country or the world.  And maybe it's because there are just more websites, blogs and resources out there that it's tough zeroing in on them.  But when I came through RCIA, without being part of any apostolate or ministry, I already met or knew or heard of several who had just come in or were, in fact, on the path toward converting.

Now, visiting blogs, having my own, knowing many Catholics who have their ears on, and this is the first fellow I've met in years who has recently converted?  And his life in in shambles.  So why the difference?  Here are a few ideas I've kicked about.

First, Scott Hahn and company converted in the 1980s and 1990s, when many converts I know who have ministry positions, academic positions, and national recognition came into the Church.  What was going on then?  Well first, Pope John Paul II, that's what.  The Billy Graham of the papacy.  Mr. Catholic Evangelist to the separated brethren.  The man who took the term 'the New Evangelization' and made it his.  Reaching out to all non-Catholics, former Catholics, and non-Catholic Christians was on top of his list, and hence it was on the mind of the Church universal.

Second, it was still that moment when people like the aforementioned Pope John Paul II were trying to peddle back against some of the excesses of Vatican II, even though many of those ideals were still popular.  Changing the Church, embracing modernity, women priests and married priests were seen as almost foregone conclusions by not a few Catholics.  Even when I came into the Church in 2006, many I met immediately asked if I was going to be a priest.  After all, they've got married priests already, and it will be allowed soon.  Or so I was told.

Third, it was the 1980s and 1990s.  Yes the Christian roots of society had long been shed.  But Christianity was, even then, not as flagrantly maligned in the popular culture.  Being a priest or minister still had some notion of 'that must mean he's a good guy, or a least a righteous prude.'  Plus it was a period of abundance. The economy was booming.  Money was flowing.  Credit was flowing more.  Everyone seemed ready to purchase that McMansion they had wanted since the previous year when they graduated high school.

Fourth, EWTN.  That broadcasting network was in many ways the love child of Mother Angelica, a feisty nun who hosted her own show, embraced evangelism with a zeal that would shame a fundamentalist Baptist, and wasn't afraid to call a spade a spade when it came to discipleship.  EWTN soared, its ratings soared, and Mother Angelica loved this whole idea of Protestant clergy converting to Catholicism.

So what happened?  Well first, the Spirit of Vatican II began to be restructured.  Though many assumed married priests were a forgone conclusion, by the early 00s, it was clear that it wouldn't happen any time soon.  When Benedict became Pope, he made it clear early that there would be no women priests, and no married priests.  Though he reached out to the Anglican Communion, on the whole he seemed to have little to no real interest in reaching out to the 'Separated Brethren', at least as a top priority.  His interests were in other areas.  The idea that it was time to put the kibosh on married clergy sent a not-too-subtle  message across the Church.  Those seeing Protestant clergy as support for the married cause had to realize that their efforts would not be realized any time soon.

Plus, because Pope Benedict was less evangelistic, if not less charismatic, the outreach just wasn't there.  As goes the Pope, so goes the Church.  Like it or not, Popes make an impression on the Catholic mindset.  As evangelism became more of a parlor discussion than an urgent wave of immediate priorities, it turned to individual ministries and individuals to keep the flames burning.  And that has far less of an impact on the Catholic Church than the passion of a serving Pope.

Not to mention that, at that very same time, Mother Angelica began to fade.  Simply because of age, she was no longer the default leader of EWTN she had been, but became more or less the default leader emeritus.  It was her love of stories like Scot Hahn's or Marcus Grodi's that caused her to step in and do her own version of William Randolf Hearst's 'Puff Graham' to the clergy convert cause. If there was still residue of her zeal in the form of shows or stories when I came into the Church, it lacked her personal touch, a touch that made an impression on her millions of adoring followers back in the day.

Plus it was the 00s.  Two big things had happened culturally.  First, 9/11 had allowed radical and zealous atheists to emerge and drive anti-religious bigotry into the mainstream.  Within a few years, being too religious was seen as suspicious at best.  A person ready to leave it all for a religious cause may have been something in 1990, but by 2002 not a few folks had to raise a cautious eyebrow.  Not to mention that many young people, weaned in a society fomenting endless days of anti-religious doctrine, grew up at best with no religious knowledge, at worst having a built in suspicion of those religious types.  Try getting a job from a young HR rep who doesn't know what the term Congregation means when you're a former clergy.

Plus, the priest abuse scandal.  Not only did it encourage people to trounce the Church, but it appears to have caused a certain latching of the doors within the ordained ranks of clergy itself.  Really.  I was told by a priest not to go door to door.  I suggested if I went about and introduced myself it might open some opportunities.  Not now!, he said.  If you just show up or send letters, they'll think someone sent you.  Heaven forbid go to the bishop.  How many testimonies from converts of old told me that they were advised to speak to the bishop, or go to meet this or that priest.  I was told don't do it!  Times change.

And of course, our bishop and the diocese in general is not the diocese or bishop of the 1980s.  Neither seems to care much about the Protestant Clergy conversion phenomenon.  In fact - and I hesitate to say this because it was told me in meetings with priests, but since it impacts me, I'll say it - I was told by no less than three priest to more or less forget serving in a ministry or even diocesan capacity in our area. One even said that a blank resume with no writing on it would get me farther now than a resume with any experience at all that included the term 'former Protestant clergy.'  Clearly, for reasons more complex than new Popes and changing times, there is a different atmosphere.

In my time with the apostolate, I noticed that conversation was taking place more and more.  There were still dioceses that opened their arms to clergy converts, but I remember not a few conversations at lunch in which the president of the apostolate lamented yet one more bishop here or diocese there that seemed to be closing doors to any more clergy.  Ours, unfortunately, being one of them.  Again, as go the leaders, so goes the Church.

If all that wasn't enough, and by golly it ought to be, we had the economy tank.  Many converts I met and talked to who came into the Church in the 80s or even 90s, spoke of getting positions in parishes or the local diocese, in this apostolate or that mission.  Why?  Well, they were easy to get.  The pay wasn't good (back then).  People didn't stay in those positions long.  There were usually plenty of job openings and turnaround a bishop could utilize for a convert looking for employment and a ministry.  Just like getting jobs in the secular world as a bi-vocational pastor was easier then, so it was easy to find jobs in church settings, since availability was not an issue.

Today, with unemployment at least 7.6% (some argue much higher), even a low paying job or position is worth its weight in gold.  Those jobs just aren't moving.  In our diocese, except for a few custodial or part time positions, there haven't been that many openings over years (and yes, I applied, see changing attitudes above).  People aren't leaving.  There just isn't the open door policy or availability there once was.

So what's all this about?  Well, nothing really.  Just when I was told about this fellow convert whose life is unraveling in a way similar to ours, it got me to thinking.  Truth be told, when I came into the Church, I discovered that the proverbial 'pastor loses everything to become Catholic' didn't happen all that often.  Most weren't pastors in the true sense of the word.  Most didn't get their income only from being in ministry.  Most didn't lose much outside of family troubles and personal losses of friends and colleagues.  Scott Hahn was an exception, not the rule.  Yet even then, most when they came in found a much more open, willing, and excited environment in which to settle and start life anew.

In fact, in the early years of my conversion, I only met one fellow whose life unraveled after becoming Catholic, and based on his story, it had more to do with problems in his family and a failed marriage than becoming Catholic.  I have a feeling his life was going to unravel either way.  Most converts from the early decades seemed to have discovered a quick path into the faith, and often found parishes or dioceses that took the initiative, stepped in and got them back on track.  Or many more simply weren't full time vocational ministers in the first place, and therefore didn't really need to change as much as make a few alterations.

So the full time vocational minister has been a rare thing.  Statistically, about fifteen years ago, more Evangelical ministers were entering the Orthodox traditions than Catholicism, at least proportionately.  The reasons should be obvious.  But even when they became Catholic, it appears times were different.  Now, changes have taken place.  Those changes I mention may or may not be local, or because of reasons I tossed out.  I might not be altogether right, but I don't think I'm entirely wrong.  In any event, whatever the reasons, things have changed.  Personally, because of that, I think there needs to be some front desk for Protestant clergy that will explain this and be honest.  Not to dissuade clergy converts, but to make them aware of what to expect.  After all, this is not Scott Hahn's conversion generation.

Think, think, think

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you realize you're heading toward a cliff and see no conceivable way to avoid it? Like maybe you spent your adult life as a full time vocational Protestant minister, and then suddenly entered the Catholic Church on the eve of the greatest economic downturn since the great depression while living in a post-9/11 society of increasingly secular and anti-religious sensitivities?   Well, I have.  We limped along with me either getting temp jobs here or contract positions there, or spending time off helping with our newborn gift of Catholic living and my Dad in the last months of his life.  Then a year ago last December,  the hammer blow fell as my wife, who was our only steady financial and benefits lifeline, was terminated by a computer program in New York City that wiped out about 500 positions in a microsecond.  Most of last year was living off savings or whatever our good Uncle Sam threw our way.  Some individuals in Catholic parishes and organizations have swept in to bail is out when we drove too near the cliff, but as wonderfully generous as those individuals were, they were only moments for momentary needs. They bought us time, but only that.

Now, as it comes to my attention that there could be something in my rather bizarre looking past that is hamstringing my efforts, and in light of the fact that we went full blown and pulled our boys out to home school,  we're trying to think outside the box.  It was already tough enough, since most of my references and past work experience came from sources that more or less see my conversion to Catholicism with all the adoration that they would a pastor who ran off with a church secretary after embezzling from the congregational treasure chest.  Finding out that the already limited background I can turn to is now smaller yet, the walls are beginning to close on me, and options drying out.

It's not for lollygagging or a lack of trying.  One thing I can do is navigate through the application process with my eyes closed.  I've filled out so many different apps I could give classes.  It's just that, in our present economy and employment situations, I don't have the 100%.  My resume takes a certain golly gee wiz to translate it into secular terms.  And, as I've said before, I've spent seven years pounding on the gates of Canossa with the diocese and local parishes, and here I am.  So it's time to think outside the box, and do so quickly.

I would hate to lose our home, as it's all we have left.  But we're coming to a point where we're ready to consider any options.  I mean, we're talking move to Africa if we have to.  Uproot.  Open a business.  I don't know.  I just know the cliff is inching ever closer.  Some generosity from our brethren and sistren in Christ bought us a few more months, and again, our good Uncle Sam continues to do his part.  But unless there is really some big position out there I've not discovered, something outside my creativity will have to happen.  As bad as our incomes seemed in our ministry days, and as low as my wife's salary was given her responsibilities and position, we've come to realize there is no way in hell we'll get a job even close to that.  And with homeschooling, we really both can't work anyway.  So it's past manna from heaven time.  That's what we've had for seven years.  Against all odds, we're still here.  But if that is something we will be able to say next year, we're talking burning bush directions, road to Damascus stuff. So we will continue to think and pray, and any ideas or prayers will certainly be appreciated.